Who am I? The Three Questions that Will Shape your Leadership
Rob Cross (United Kingdom)
In working with leaders there comes a point where capability is no longer the issue.
They are experienced, credible and successful by most external measures. They have the knowledge, the tools, and the track record to perform at a high level. And yet, something doesn’t feel quite right.
It often shows up subtly at first. A sense that despite the progress, something is missing. Decisions feel heavier. Energy becomes inconsistent, and there is a growing gap between what they are doing and how they feel about it. From the outside, everything looks solid. On the inside, it can feel uncertain.
What I have seen time and again is that this isn’t a performance problem. It’s a foundations problem.
Many leaders have built their careers on capability, discipline, and ambition. But underneath that, the foundations for how they lead and live are not as strong as they need to be.
They are not fully clear on who they are. They cannot quite articulate why they are doing what they are doing. And how they are leading day to day becomes increasingly reactive rather than intentional.
It’s like building a house on sand. It can look impressive, but it won’t hold under pressure.
Embracing the unease
One of the most consistent patterns I see is how leaders respond to the unease they feel; to the feeling that there must be more to life than what they are currently experiencing. A recognition that they are capable of more, but not entirely sure how to access it.
Alongside this feeling of unease comes a form of existential guilt. Not guilt in the traditional sense, but a deeper feeling: I should be doing more with this life. I’m not fully living up to what I could be.
Due to the discomfort it creates, most people don’t stay with this feeling for long. They move quickly to distract themselves –filling their time with activity, focusing on execution, or doubling down on what they think worked before. But in doing this, they miss what the unease is trying to tell them. Because this feeling is not a flaw – it is a signal that something deeper is asking for attention. It is a signal that leads to an invitation to reflect on how we are leading and living, rather than simply continuing as we are.
When leaders learn to lean into this unease – rather than suppress it – it becomes a powerful catalyst for change. It shifts them from autopilot into awareness. And awareness is where meaningful change begins.
Understanding what drives human behaviour
As leaders begin to explore this further, they often encounter something unexpected. Much of what they are experiencing is not unique to them. It is part of being human.
At the core of the human condition sit a set of deeper tensions – what I describe as the Human Dilemmas. These are not problems to be solved, but realities to be lived with.
- Questions of mortality: What will this all amount to?
- Questions of identity: Who am I, really?
- Questions of meaning: Does what I’m doing matter?
- Questions of freedom: Am I choosing this life, or reacting to it?
- Questions of isolation: Why can leadership feel so lonely?
These dilemmas are ever-present. They do not disappear with success, experience, or seniority. In many cases, leadership amplifies them.
Source: iCN Issue 54 (Coaching Practice & Innovation); page 52
About Rob Cross
Rob Cross is the author of Ask 3 Questions: How to Live Well in a Distracted World, and an experienced leadership development coach who works with senior leaders and organisations to build high performance through clarity, purpose and effective leadership. Over the past two decades, he has advised and developed leaders across some of the world’s most respected organisations, including BT Group, SIG, LexisNexis, Prudential, PwC, Sainsbury’s and Deloitte.
