by Tanya Heasley (UK)

When couples communicate their anger positively, their relationship will grow positively too. While this may be true, many of us struggle to express our anger properly, let alone communicate it positively. However, two main reasons for divorce, is lack of communication and constant arguing, and yet, two or more people would need to exchange in communication, for an argument to take place. Therefore, it is not lack of communication or constant arguing that causes couples to split – it is their unhealthy, negative anger, and conflict issues.

Considering that most of us will get angry at someone; whether that’s our partner, our children, our boss, or even ourselves, this powerful emotion is usually triggered by the actions, words or the behaviour of another, as well as a deep hurt, fear or traumatic event that happened to us in our past. In other words, when we experience road rage, it is usually displaced anger cause by something that angered us in the past that we had not fully dealt with or resolved. For instance, if you think logically about certain arguments, were you angry at that person or situation? Or was it something else?

Nevertheless, anger is a natural emotion that we all experience and continual to experience from time-to-time. It is an instinctive communication of survival, telling you something isn’t quite right, you are potentially in danger and you need to act, now! It is something that you need to make friends with and welcome into your life. This is because it will provide you with the energy you require to get you out of dangerous situations and is essentially part of your instinctive nature to survive; triggering your response to FLIGHT, FIGHT or FREEZE.

Therefore, anger itself is not the problem, it is how we express our anger that play a key role in whether the consequences of our actions are positive or negative. Furthermore, positive anger can resolve conflict in relationships – when used properly. The key is to unlock its primary function, change the perception of it and then relearn how to express it more healthily. After achieving this, conflict resolution becomes easier in relationships and can benefit you to flourish and thrive.

Source: iCN Issue 29  (Business Coaching: Building your Organisation); pages 46-48

About Tanya Heasley

Tanya Heasley MSc is a Positive Psychologist and Anger Management Coach at Tristone Coaching ( She helps people make personal or professional changes that will maximise their success and prosperity, and to fulfil their potential. Her expertise is unlocking suppressed anger that has caused toxic shame which has cultivated self-limiting beliefs in many individuals. She essentially cultivates the healthy anger within individuals and coaches them in using this powerful emotion to fuel productivity and growth; as well as support the discovery of their inner strengths, develop their assertive communication skills, improve their emotional wellbeing, enhance their creative performance and help them reach their full potential.